Twins

The main character in the novel I am writing is a pregnant teenager. She has no idea she is about to give birth to two babies instead of one. Inspired by this artwork by Ulla Wennberg titled “Kom mamma kom!”, I wrote this poem to try to understand some of the experience of having twins…

As each one learns to walk it steps away onto my hair.
Pain crunches in my gut
Core strength diminished
I am holding on to hurts of loss
While trying to hold on to these babies
My feet push at the sides of this cave to keep myself
Even in my head.

Yes the babies are twins.
Yes it is a lot of work.

I separate as they pull, me apart
As one goes in each direction.
I want to hold them closer
They are mine

Umbilical and milk
All red and white streams connect us
How my breasts ache with loss.
My world, which was so tidy, is now turned upside-down
Blood rushes to my head
I see you, land as sky
I see your legs dangle, child, as you run away from me
And I let you go.
Grow.

Who is the right way up really?
Can I ever be just me again?
How did this happen?

There was water on the floor.
We all thought: This is early!
First one leg shot out and out came a baby fast.
Our baby at last.
Where once the boy-father and I held each other’s gaze
Now we cannot look away from the fusion of our souls
He latched on.

Then pain started crashing
I passed the first baby across
Again, again
My focus smashed to bits on the rocks of my bones
Contractions again
Disintegrating me.
Hard not slippery,
Another baby.

A shocking second gift
One head in each hand
One child for my man and one for me
Us untainted
Two creatures have sucked the life from me and exited
As I sigh with exhaustion
I must remember: it’s all I wanted.
I am young.

Remind me: I have energy for this.